This is a description of my journey of my LGBTQ+ discovery. This will be updated every once and a while until when I become sure of my identity (I don't even know if that'll happen). I mainly created this to help other LGBTQ+ people feel comfortable and to have someone to share my story with anonymously.
Since I was a young child (ages 4-8) until a few months ago. I automatically assumed that I was straight and I didn't know about bisexuality or homosexuality. I never really had female crushes when I was a young child, yet there was this one girl I had a "crush" on. I wouldn't exactly describe it as a romantic crush, more like a squish or even smush despite not knowing about sex. The only thing LGBTQ+ related thing I remember is my parents telling me about Gender Affirming Surgery. I don't remember the context, but I don't think they were asking me if I wanted it. I remember being fascinated by it and finding it interesting. I don't remember if I wanted it (the biggest egg sign), but this must have been prevalent where I thought about it sometimes because I can still remember the exact scene (like photographically) and it happened when I was around 6 - 7.
When I was 9, I first found out about LGBTQ+ identities. My take on it was that I didn't really care. I never really met a nonbinary person but I would have probably referred a trans person by their chosen pronoun. Of course since other kids found out about it, I was hearing more homophobia and transphobia but I didn't really care about LGBTQ+.
When I was around 12, I started becoming very religious. I wanted to become an Orthodox Christian and I agreed with their values. Of course, as you would see, I would not respect LGBTQ+ and women. I thought it was a sin, there are only 2 genders, you can't change your gender, etc. For some reason I still called a trans person I knew by her correct pronouns (i was a keyboard warrior). The religion started consuming me and my politics became more auth-right, as you would expect. I make jokes making fun of gay people during this time also.
Since 2024, I started slowly losing interest in the religion. In 2024, there was this kid, let's call him X who decided to wear more feminine clothing. I made fun of her behind her back. My friends laughed along too. By the Summer of 2025, I was just a Christian and didn't really care that much. At around the fall/late summer of 2025, I lost interest in religion and became an agnostic (now atheist). This finally allowed me to explore myself. One thing I was interested in was how I was diagnosed as Autistic when I was little but they didn't want to diagnose me again. I decided to investigate myself to find out if I had Autism. During this time, my social media feeds became more left-leaning, some autistic stuff and some LGBTQ+ stuff started appearing.
In September I started feeling an attraction to femboys. The feelings were no longer hidden and I could finally express them because I had no god to fear. I tried to learn more about them and I started to learn how it could be bisexual. I took the Kinsey test and I got a 2/6. I started to look into my attraction and tried to find out if I had any attraction to men earlier in my life. I did feel attraction to soft men. Around October and November, my bisexuality became split. Around this time I discovered I was homoromantic. I also started feeling attraction to my friend, I'll call them Q (they identified as a man at this time). I had deep feelings for Q and I started to think about it every day. I thought Q was flirting with me but they just felt comfortable around me expressing their attraction and liked to joke around. I asked Q if they had a crush on me, and they said no. It did cause me to become more sad for a while, but it made me sure that I do feel strong, romantic attraction to men and it also helped me remove the manic like excitement I felt most days and follow new hobbies, look deep into myself, etc. Q also helped me develop my identity and later in november, question my gender identity.
As of last writing this, it is 12/26/2025. What has happened this month is that I finally came out to my mom after my brother exposed me in front of her. I am mostly locked in with my attraction identity; I am bisexual and homoromantic. Soon I will start tryng to express it publicly (gay pin, etc.) to make queers safer and open up any oppurtunities to help other people with their identity/attraction and get in relationships. Now I am trying to find out my gender. I am sure that I would enjoy presenting sometimes as female/feminine, but sadly, my family is transphobic. Gender identity is very complicated. Sometimes I love feeling masculine and I don't find any problem with it and I think this is the only way I want to be. Other times I would like to dress femme, be referred to as a woman and be a woman. It is very hard to discover my gender identity. I am not in the most safe space to come out or even express it. I would love to buy femme clothes, but I don't know where to hide it. To other people, it seems simple; you feel like you want to be a woman, so be a woman. Yet there are constant doubts in my head and the years of my mom drilling in transphobic propoganda (boys can dress feminine but shouldn't be women, you can't decide that too young, trans people are pervs, indoctrinating children, genitals cut off, etc.) causes me to assume the same; maybe I am just a boy who likes feminine things and I shouldn't be a woman. My mom says she would love me if I was a woman, but I don't know what she would actuall do. I still like being a man. I am still comfortable with being a man and my genitals. I might be a nonbinary person, for all I know. We'll see (or not) in the next update, I guess.
Thank you for reading this! I hope you have a great day, all support is appreciated.